How to Know If You Are Becoming A Better Version of You

 

A Bigger, More Authentic Container for Ourselves

Fifteen years ago I was on the path to becoming a child and family therapist. I  had a big dream, which included single handedly saving children and families. I was young. I was idealistic. I was also missing one very important thing, self-compassion.  I was certain if I had a large enough container to help others, that eventually I would figure out how to develop one for myself. When I say container, what I mean is holding a space for others as they experience and process difficult emotions and experiences. Like so many caretakers and healers I put myself last. I realized two years into my doctorate program, that my container for myself was empty and if I was ever going to be of service to the world I would need to figure out what it meant to love myself. My adviser at the time told me it was time to take off the super woman t-shirt and dive into self care. He was right. I no longer own that t-shirt. What I own now, all these years later, is an ability to self-nurture and to have compassion for myself. These are the building blocks to creating an even greater capacity to helping others who are suffering. True philanthropy and giving, as I have learned, starts with ourselves.

Speaking Your Truth With Love-Delaying Your Reaction

A good friend of mine once said, “Honesty without compassion is cruelty.” Jess, if you are reading this, yeah, you’re pretty awesome and yeah I’m quoting you.  Lashing out when we are angry or scared may make us feel better in the moment, but inevitably leads to shame and guilt later and relationships in need of repair. When we are able to check in with ourselves and figure out the source of our anger, most likely we will find a tender inner child wound in need of compassion and healing. If you are committed to using your words with care and to communicating with others with an intention to share and not harm, then you are already on the path to becoming a better you. And if you are still getting the hang of all of this remember– the fact that you are even thinking about this is proof enough that you are already the best version of you!

Risking Conflict

With speaking our truth comes the risk of conflict with others.If you come from a household where conflict was the norm versus an occasional incident, it may seem even more dangerous to share your authentic thoughts and feelings. That’s why I advise people to ease into this particular practice. But, when we give ourselves permission to express all of who we are and risk disapproval from others we are giving ourselves a gift. Also, despite how good our intentions are we can not control other peoples’ reactions. Accepting that conflict is inevitable will help soften the blow of someone’s negative response when it does arise.

Not Every Truth is a Pearl of Wisdom That Needs to Be Shared

I want to challenge all mothers who say “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all” with “Even if you have something constructive to say, pick your timing as carefully as you can.” Unfortunately, we don’t live in a well-scripted society where every line is hand crafted and every interaction with another human being is carefully planned out. I know, bummer right? This means, we are going to get it wrong a lot of the time. We are going to say things we don’t mean at the most inopportune times in ways we never thought possible. But, we can practice discerning the timing of when we share our feedback or thoughts. And we can also remember that just because we have thoughts and feelings doesn’t make us right and the other person wrong. It’s ok to save some of your burning insights for a day when your recipient is in a good space to receive it. I’m not encouraging you to allow emotions to fester, just to allow room to question those emotions and to share them in a way that your recipient can hear and absorb.

Caring Less About What Others Think

Last summer I ordered what I thought was a cute, somewhat 50s summer dress with lots of tulle. What arrived was in fact an adult fairy dress. Yes, Tinkerbell fairy. I didn’t give it a second thought. I wore the heck out of that fairy dress in public. My friend thought it was hilarious. Jenna, the 40 year old flitting around Boston in a fairy dress. Yep. And until he said that, I swear, I had no idea it was eccentric. I realized in that moment that I had stopped caring as much about external validation and norms and I felt absolutely liberated. So channel your inner fairy, Pippi Longstocking or Willy Wonka. Who cares? No one. That’s the point!

And if I leave you with nothing else on this Friday morning perhaps this will stick:

On the road to becoming you might find you already are.

 

Blessings everyone!

Jenna